a new beginning

I have been absent for a while, and I am now officially divorced.  The last time I posted about this it was still kind of raw and emotional.  However, on January 3rd I filed the papers and immediately felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I felt light and happy!  It wasn't all easy, but for the most part it has been a positive experience.  I know Tom feels quite differently about it, but we are after all on different sides of the experience.  The divorce was final on February 6th, but I didn't receive the paperwork until the 8th.  I had wondered if I would feel sad when I learned it was final, but the irrepressible grin that spread across my face answered my own question.  I am so happy to feel free!  I didn't realize just how weighted down I was.  I have been divorced for almost a week now and so far it feels good.  I miss having a man to snuggle up to when I get cold during the night, and especially when I first crawl into bed and my toes are frozen...but I'm getting used to it.  The biggest change I think is yet to come...it'll be going to single adult activities!  Yikes! 

Moving on

I decided this week that I am finally ready to move on....that means it's time to get the ugly stuff over with and file those pesky divorce papers.  So yesterday I went to the courthouse and signed up for the divorce workshop which is actually a great deal, for $40 they'll help me get the papers all ready to go, much cheaper than the $3500 retainer most of the attorney's in town are asking for.

Sometime in the near future (about 2 months from now) I should be single for the first time in 20 years....do you have any idea how scary that is???  Yikes!  I don't even know how to date anymore and I really don't want to!  However, since I also don't want to be single the rest of my life I've got to go into this with a plan...so I started thinking about what I've learned from my marriage and what I want in a future husband (I feel like an awkward teenager again).

I'm a little excited actually at the opportunity to start fresh and to maybe find someone wonderful to share the rest of my life with.  I used to think that single men my age were all losers, but I've met some recently that give me hope!

Breaking up is hard to do...

Ugh...really hard to do.  In fact it sucks.  It means letting go of the future we've been planning for nearly 20 years.  It means that my family is broken.  My heart is broken too.  It feels like failure.  I always thought that people got divorced because they didn't love each other anymore...guess what? Sometimes people who get divorced still love each other, it's just time to cut your losses and go your separate ways because it will never work.  That's where we are now.  and it sucks.  just in case you forgot.  It means that sometimes I pretend that my heart isn't breaking just so that he will keep walking away, because in the long run it's better that way.  It means that sometimes I have to be cold and heartless...to protect both of us...because being nice just prolongs the agony. Sometimes I cry unexpectedly.  Like now.  I've been thinking about this post for weeks now, so I didn't expect to cry while typing it.  SUCKY.  I hate crying, it gives me a headache.  So, I will be filing the papers the first week of January.  I don't think the worst is over yet, so please be patient with me.  :)