Why I am a Mormon

Dear Becky,

I have been thinking about your comment on my last post and rolling over and over in my head the appropriate response.  I hope this is the best way to answer.

I want to tell you about my spiritual journey and why I choose to be a Mormon.  When I was a little girl our Mom and Dad taught me that God loves me and wants me to be happy, that He will always be there for me even when no one else can be.  That I can talk to Him whenever I need to.  I believed them because I was a child.  However, because I believed them, I talked to God when I needed comfort or help, and found that He really was there, He really did provide me with the comfort and strength I needed. 

One day when you were about three or four we couldn't find you anywhere, the whole family spread out searching the neighborhood looking for you.  I remember wandering the hills and searching the brush near our house and calling your name, so terrified that I would never see you again.  I prayed that day to find you.  For some reason I went home and found you asleep on the floor in the little space between the wall and the bed in my bedroom.  Some people will call that a lucky coincidence, but I'm certain God led me there that day.  All my life I've talked to God and He has given me comfort and strength.  He doesn't always give me what I ask for, but He has always been there for me. 

I have developed a relationship with God and that is the basis of all my religious beliefs.  I know Him.  Sometimes I don't like what He has to say, sometimes I get mad at Him.  But I love Him and I know that He loves me.  As a teenager I was annoyed by the number of people who told me that I was only a Mormon because it was what my parents told me to believe, and I had to take a good look at myself and ask if that really was the reason.  I decided that to some extent it was true that I had just accepted it blindly so I began to really study it so that I could make my own informed decision.  It was at that time that I read the Book of Mormon by myself all the way through and felt that confirmation from God that it was truly His word.

When I got married and left home, life became more complicated, and I began to think that I didn't necessarily need to live my life the way that Mom and Dad and the church had taught me.  I felt that it was a very conservative lifestyle and that I had found a nice balance.  I attended church when it was convenient, but I also spent time in bars with my husband and our friends.  It felt pretty comfortable.  I remember telling my father-in-law one day about this nice balance I had found between the way my parents lived and the way the rest of the world lives. 

I've always thought religion was fascinating so during this time I explored and studied other religions, kind of looking to see if there might be another church that felt right to me.  I never considered not be a member of a church because of my relationship with God.  I have never doubted that God exists.  What I found was that with every church I studied I was able to fairly quickly find doctrine that just didn't make sense to me, things I just couldn't agree with.  The more I studied other religions the more convinced I became that Mormonism was the most correct religion out there.  I found that nearly every church had something beautiful about it, but none fit me quite like Mormonism did. 

Life was not going well for us, Tom and I had seperated briefly, we had our third baby, Tom lost his job, we had to move into a smaller apartment, we were living on welfare, our phone was shut off, I was looking for a job, we were generally pretty unhappy...but I was especially unhappy.  So I tried to remember the happiest times in my life and what those times had in common.  I decided the common denominator was that I was closer to God.  So I started reading the scriptures, praying, and going to church again...and believe me, it was hard to take three toddlers to church by myself.   One Sunday I set my alarm to get up for church and I got up, looked at Tom laying in bed, and crawled back into bed with him.  After a few minutes he asked me if I was going to church, I told him I'd decided to sleep in instead.  He asked me two or three times in about 20 minutes if I was going, finally I asked him if he wanted me to go for some reason, he said, "yes, I like you better when you go to church."  I didn't realize that it made that much of a difference, so I got up and went.  I've been going ever since and the more I go, the more I love it.

I know that you feel like the church doesn't allow free thought somehow, but I'm here to tell you that I make my own choices.  I wouldn't be a member if I hadn't studied it carefully and given it a lot of thought and prayer.  Certainly there are times when I think it would be easier to live a little more like the rest of the world, but really when it comes right down to it, life isn't about easy, it really is true that the best things in life have to be worked for.  You know what they say, "no pain, no gain!", and honestly, knowing that what I'm doing is right makes it fairly easy.  Now if I could just convince myself that not eating junk food is right I'd be all set!

I love you Becky, and I appreciate your concern for your LDS family and friends, but really, we are OK.  I'm sorry that you were unhappy as a member of the church, I don't know why that was, but I want you to be happy regardless of what religion you are or aren't.  I know many people of many different faiths who are very happy and the thing they all have in common is that they have developed a relationship with God.  However, if you decide that you don't believe in God and that makes you happy, then I will support you in that decision too.  Nobody knows better than you what is right for you.  The same is also true of me. No one knows better than I do, what is right for me.  I have given it careful thought and come to an educated decision.  I hope that you can support me and respect my decision. 

independent thinking

One of my pet peeves is when people tell me that I don't think for myself. It's like Marty McFly in the Back to the Future movies when someone calls him chicken...remember that? He gets all wound up and acts kind of crazy? Yep, I'm a little like that. So recently one of my cousins and one of my sisters both told me that I don't make my own decisions that I let the church tell me what to do and think!!! ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! I admit, it makes me see red. Those who know me well know that isn't true. But, I decided I would post an excerpt from my personality profile ordered by my completely non-religious employer. Here it is:

"Once she has arrived at a decision, she can be tough-minded and unbending. She has made her decision after gathering much data, and she probably won't want to repeat the process."

So there.

Vegetarian?

Oh my! My sweet daughter asked me one day about how cattle are killed for food, and I knew I was treading on dangerous ground....how can you not be when a 16 year old girl asks something like that? But it is one of my personal "Mom Rules" to always answer the question, even when it's a loaded one. So I explained it to the best of my knowledge (I admit that it's limited knowledge), and my precious girl promptly announced that she was going to be a vegetarian. Hmmm...I wondered how long her committment would last. Well, that was almost two months ago and she remains very committed to her new lifestyle. Even in the face (poor word choice?) of her Dad's famous grilled steaks which she has LOVED since she was old enough to chew.

I am amazed at how many people have given her a lot of crap about it...really? In the year 2011 people still get buggy about vegetarianism? What is up with that? Granted, we do live in Idaho, but still...I thought the world was a little more enlightened. Why can't a teenage girl try out a lifestyle choice like this without cringing everytime someone finds out? My aunt and uncle came to visit and she didn't want them to know because she was afraid they'd give her the same crap she's gotten from her uncles and grandpa and various other adults. SIGH. She may give it up tomorrow, or she may never give it up. No matter what she decides, she has my support. I just need to find some new recipes and learn some new habits to accomodate her.