Yellowstone with the Dunphy's

Last night I dreamed that I was in a 1920's touring car, kind of like this:

With this happy couple on their anniversary:

Perfectly normal, right?  In my dream Phil was driving, Claire was in the backseat and I was in the passenger seat.  We were driving through Yellowstone and started down a hill toward a stop sign.  Phil tried to shift down but couldn't do it for some reason...apparently he didn't know how to use the brakes either (you know how dreams are).  So I grabbed the gear shifter and asked him if he had the clutch in...nope...that would be why he was having trouble shifting.  So we got the car stopped just as a fire broke out at the back of it. Claire found a fire extinguisher under the back seat and put the fire out.  Hurray!  And then I woke up. 

The funny part of this story is that I haven't even watched Modern Family in weeks!  Anyway, I do love the show...it cracks me up! 

a person of faith

Lately I've met a couple of people who, as part of conversation have told me that they are "a person of faith".  I like it. They didn't say what church, if any, they were affiliated with. They got straight to the important stuff.  I may have to try it out myself sometime.  You know how sometimes you can tell that a person REALLY wants to know if you are a member of the same church they are?  And you know it's because they really don't like people who aren't?  I kind of like to withhold the information, just to torture them a little. Is that wrong?  Next time I think I'll just tell them I'm a person of faith.  Let them put that in their pipe and smoke it!

getting my sea legs

So...I have been single now for a little over 2 months, and it feels a little weird.  I think it's kind of like getting your sea legs...you know, when you first get on the boat you feel unsteady and like you might fall down at any moment, but after you do it for awhile it feels totally normal.  Although, actually, I think it's more like getting your land legs back again.  My marriage was the time on the boat and now that I'm off I'm getting back to normal. It still feels a bit weird but I think soon I'll feel comfortable again.

So, there's a short post to let you know I'm still here!

a new beginning

I have been absent for a while, and I am now officially divorced.  The last time I posted about this it was still kind of raw and emotional.  However, on January 3rd I filed the papers and immediately felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I felt light and happy!  It wasn't all easy, but for the most part it has been a positive experience.  I know Tom feels quite differently about it, but we are after all on different sides of the experience.  The divorce was final on February 6th, but I didn't receive the paperwork until the 8th.  I had wondered if I would feel sad when I learned it was final, but the irrepressible grin that spread across my face answered my own question.  I am so happy to feel free!  I didn't realize just how weighted down I was.  I have been divorced for almost a week now and so far it feels good.  I miss having a man to snuggle up to when I get cold during the night, and especially when I first crawl into bed and my toes are frozen...but I'm getting used to it.  The biggest change I think is yet to come...it'll be going to single adult activities!  Yikes! 

butt muscles

I walked into the kitchen last night and my girls were ramming their hips into each others butts and laughing hysterically....what?  I have learned not to ask too many questions so I just watched, pretty soon I realized what they were doing.  They were flexing their butt muscles and then ramming into each others butts to check out how tight their butts were...yeah...touching it with their hands would have been just ridiculous....hahahaha!

Moving on

I decided this week that I am finally ready to move on....that means it's time to get the ugly stuff over with and file those pesky divorce papers.  So yesterday I went to the courthouse and signed up for the divorce workshop which is actually a great deal, for $40 they'll help me get the papers all ready to go, much cheaper than the $3500 retainer most of the attorney's in town are asking for.

Sometime in the near future (about 2 months from now) I should be single for the first time in 20 years....do you have any idea how scary that is???  Yikes!  I don't even know how to date anymore and I really don't want to!  However, since I also don't want to be single the rest of my life I've got to go into this with a plan...so I started thinking about what I've learned from my marriage and what I want in a future husband (I feel like an awkward teenager again).

I'm a little excited actually at the opportunity to start fresh and to maybe find someone wonderful to share the rest of my life with.  I used to think that single men my age were all losers, but I've met some recently that give me hope!

Breaking up is hard to do...

Ugh...really hard to do.  In fact it sucks.  It means letting go of the future we've been planning for nearly 20 years.  It means that my family is broken.  My heart is broken too.  It feels like failure.  I always thought that people got divorced because they didn't love each other anymore...guess what? Sometimes people who get divorced still love each other, it's just time to cut your losses and go your separate ways because it will never work.  That's where we are now.  and it sucks.  just in case you forgot.  It means that sometimes I pretend that my heart isn't breaking just so that he will keep walking away, because in the long run it's better that way.  It means that sometimes I have to be cold and heartless...to protect both of us...because being nice just prolongs the agony. Sometimes I cry unexpectedly.  Like now.  I've been thinking about this post for weeks now, so I didn't expect to cry while typing it.  SUCKY.  I hate crying, it gives me a headache.  So, I will be filing the papers the first week of January.  I don't think the worst is over yet, so please be patient with me.  :)